giyongchyx (giyongchyx) wrote,

Narrator of my own life

A glimpse into Derealization disorder, written by yours truly.

I'm living but why does it feel like I'm not?
I'm watching everyone around me live their lives, while I sit back and observe.
I observe everything, everyone, even myself, yet I'm still here doing nothing.
I do not feel, I do not sense, I do not know.
For years I lived a sheltered life, in my own bubble, not having any friends, and if I had friends it was just 1-2 friends that I only stuck with for a year, in 5th grade. I never had friends, I never socialized, I never interacted with humans. I always asked myself how normal people would have conversations and interact. What do normal people talk about? What is there to talk about?

I feel numb, dead, like a parasite. I'm convinced I'm stuck on this earth and there's no way out. Even when I'm dead there's no way out. I can't hide, I can't go anywhere else. I'm only here to rot and that's what my purpose is.

I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I like. I don't know.

My life is frustrating to me because there's nothing to it. I'm not important and I don't make a difference whether I'm alive or dead.

It feels as if i'm watching a movie of my life, just waiting for the end credits to show up. Maybe even a narrator of my own life story. I'm here seeing it all happen, but nothing is happening.

I'm quietly waiting for this bubble of mine to pop, and for the world to feel the same again. I'm waiting for myself to feel again, see again, sense again. And when it happens I will finally be free.
If anybody else has or thinks they have Derealization/Depersonalization disorder, I strongly suggest you do your research and know you are not alone. I am here with you, and there's several other people in the world going through your struggle. Don't isolate yourself even though its all you want to do. It will eventually stop so just keep that in mind. Surround yourself with goals and positivity and don't allow anyone's negative comments to get to you. xx
Tags: personal
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